Your Body Your Baby Your Birth

I have spent the whole morning on the phone to my car insurance company trying to get somebody to use their common sense, to see my case as an individual incident, to evoke some empathy about my unique situation, to sound like they are on my side, here to support me and finally to listen and do as I ask without baffling me with their accident matrix formula and their total loss procedure.

I am left feeling deflated, weary, stripped of my ability to influence what is happening and quite honestly a bit teary. This is not how my Monday morning was supposed to be. I have been thrown into a totally unexpected situation and without understanding their processes and language in advance I feel dis-empowered.

I’ve been meaning to write a blog about how I most love supporting my clients for a long time and now in the midst of my car insurance fiasco I am reminded of the last time I felt like this and the countless times I have supported women and couples through emotions like this during their pregnancy and birth.

The main reason I began building my business and reaching out to more women was because I understood the impact a conversation could have on someone’s experience. Just one conversation that felt genuine, committed, focussed on you. A discussion that explored your concerns that brought issues to the surface you had previously not been able to put words to. Someone who actually wanted to listen to everything you had to say and had the time to do so, on your terms and ideally when and where it felt most comfortable for you.

We have a tendency in our society to not want to be any bother, to presume ‘they’ are far too busy to have time for you, that ‘they’ clearly know best and that you should definitely not step outside of the parameters you have been given regarding your choices.

We have an amazing healthcare system in our country and it does its best to respond when we need it. Without wanting to enter a political or financial war of words it is fair to say our NHS is under pressure and in need of some TLC. In spite of all of its dedicated members of staff and their desire to meet all needs, it is unable to give the time required to make sure everyone gets an individualised approach to their care.

This brings me back to what I love doing the most. I love talking to women and couples, I love being able to listen, to explore, to find resources, information, facts and statistics, answers and solutions. Above all I love it when women realise they don’t need to ask permission, that saying no thank you is a valid response, that challenging a decision is quite acceptable and that their opinion on the matter in hand is not only valuable but actually it should lead discussions.

Listening is so much more than just hearing, its sensing emotions, responding to the subtle messages being emitted by body language and the unsaid words that hang unheard in the silent pauses.  I can sense the feeling in the room, the emotions being emitted by a woman and her partner and one of the best bits of my work is seeing the change in their demeanor and mood as our conversations deepen.

To watch a woman shift from dejected, disappointed and fearful to empowered, excited and determined is moving. I often get tingles up my arms when I see the walls coming down and women reconnecting with their power, their birthing intuition and the realisation that actually they can rise out of this lack of control and claim back a little decision making for themselves.

So why am I writing this exactly? Well, because for a long time now I have mused and agonised over the simple issue of how do I reach more women? How do I share the benefits of this empowering experience to a wider audience? The big question I keep asking is ‘How do I get people to realise how much they will benefit from something if they don’t know they need it?’

I have supported pregnant and birthing couples for over 6 years in my home county. I have watched the transformations that take place when women are listened to, trusted, supported and nurtured. I have seen the difference just one conversation can have and how it can completely change a woman’s attitude and focus as she prepares for and during her birth.

Birth is and always will be a defining moment in our lives, as we move in to motherhood for the first time or once again we are at our most vulnerable and yet our most powerful. How we feel and what is happening around us when we give birth stays with us forever, it affects our view of ourselves as women and to an extent affects our relationship with our partners and children, for the rest of our lives.

I know this because of my own experiences of giving birth, because of what I witness when I support women in pregnancy and birth and because of the amount of stories I am told by friends and complete strangers alike when I mention that I am a doula and that I work with women in the way I do. Always, women say “I wish I’d known you when I had my babies” they then go on to talk about their births as if they were recalling a memory from last week, all the vivid details, the people in the room, how they were feeling and the words used. The words often have the most impact and are usually medical terms and acronyms for describing a procedure or situation.

Language is a powerful tool and used without tact or a deeper explanation can leave the receiver emotionally distraught, never able to get an answer and often left wondering “If only I’d asked what they meant, I wish I knew why they said that”.

Once during a visit to a pregnancy massage client it became apparent that she was fearful and anxious about birth and having vaginal examinations (VE’s). There will always be situations that warrant certain plans being made and as someone who is not medically trained I never presume to know better than a midwife or consultant. However, the beauty of my role is that I don’t have to know better I just need to recognise that whatever has been said has had an impact on another individual. I can then listen and support that person to try and understand why it has been said how they can get more information, challenge the advice if necessary and make their own suggestions or feel informed enough to come to the decision that actually they agree with the advice.

In this instance I sat with the client and read about the use of vaginal examinations as a standard approach to assessing the progress of labour, the risks of infection and disrupting her labour unnecessarily and other ways it’s possible to observe how far into labour a woman is.

We also explored when VE’s can be useful, I described a birth I’d supported when just before birthing her baby a woman became really fearful, as she couldn’t believe her labour could have progressed so well. This woman was having a vaginal birth after a caesarean (VBAC) and was struggling to let go of the thought she should never attempt a vaginal birth again as her baby would get stuck (something a consultant had said to her last time). Having a VE and finding out she was fully dilated was all she needed to finally let go and birth her baby beautifully.
 

I made a plan with the massage client that explained she would not be consenting to any vaginal examinations and unless she asked she did not want it raised during birth, she added a caveat that if midwives felt it was absolutely necessary they could discuss this with her husband. As we said goodbye on the doorstep she thanked me for the massage then said, “I’m so glad I mentioned that. To think I didn’t even know I could say No! I feel so much better, it’s changed how I see everything actually”.

You see, it always comes back to how we feel in a situation. Feelings affect our mind and body, they stay with us forever and shape our lives and the lives of those around us.

I would love to meet every pregnant woman at some point on her journey and just have a cuppa and a chat, see how she’s feeling, if she’s got any questions, does she want to explore any fears or read through her birth plan with me.

Birth is amazing, beautiful and powerful, please don’t be someone who wishes they met me sooner, and if not me, seek your own support from another local birth worker, doula, positive birth group or online community and please remember this is Your Body, Your Baby & Your Birth!

If you would like to contact Abigail to discuss your own plans for pregnancy and birth please email or call her:

abigail@thebirthnest.co.uk
078867569403

Abigail has online Your Body Your Baby Your Birth appointments available via Zoom or Skype plus in person sessions if you are in the Suffolk & Essex areas.